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dating advice for men Dating online advice for men: how to get away from a new mentality | United kingdom GQ

You are dating a man who is a father, but now what? Nowadays, it is increasingly common to have a relationship with a person who already has children from a previous marriage. However, how to deal with this situation when you do not have children yourself?

Be honest with yourself. Assess your needs and understand from the beginning what you expect from this relationship. Ask yourself if you intend to have a long-term commitment to that parent or if you are only interested in a casual relationship.

It can be a bit boring, but think that this is an excellent way to assess the character of the man. Whether he is a widower, divorced or simply separated from his mother in some way, put yourself in the woman’s shoes in this situation. Ask yourself if this parent is acting responsibly with the child, as you would like him to do if the child were yours. If he is giving you all the time, money and attention while you neglect your own child, it is a warning sign.

This situation is temporary. Don’t be in a hurry to become a member of the family just like everyone else, but gradually integrate with time.

Early on, ask him about the family history. Find out more about the son and mother before meeting them: each other’s personality, interests, strengths and weaknesses, etc.

Use the parent’s responses to get to know the person you are relating to better. For example, he may even criticize his mother with reason, but pay attention if you put all the blame for what went wrong with her. Judge for yourself if he is able to assess the situation well and take some of the responsibility for the failure.

“Open yourself to the opportunity to work with the single parent; try not to enter the relationship with expectations or ready responses.”

Think positive! It is very important to be realistic about the situation you are in, but do not allow the challenges and stress to make you give up making a commitment to the guy if you think it is worth it. Overcoming challenges can be a rewarding experience in its own right.

At the same time, take into account the fact that you will have a partner with concrete previous experience in these things that, for now, are only hypothetical to you. Whether making a long-term commitment or having another child with this man, you will have a partner with intimate knowledge about the situation and expectations, as well as more self-knowledge about your own abilities.

Reevaluate your needs. Once you understand the reality of having a commitment to a single parent, reevaluate what you honestly expect from a relationship. Based on this, ask yourself if your needs can be met in these circumstances. Decide, then, whether to leave the relationship or to assume it.

If you just want a casual relationship, tell him that. If he thinks it is okay, continue to relate without any involvement in the child’s life.

If you intend to keep everything more casual and he wants to go further or if you want to have a more serious commitment, but are discouraged due to the circumstances, say that there is a conflict of interest. Say that, although you like him a lot, the situation is too much for your head. Do not allow yourself to be involved in a situation you do not know how to deal with.

If you are willing to make a lasting commitment and be a part of your child’s life, try to know as much as you are getting into. Ask other people who live in a similar circumstance about the experience. Seek professional help to know what to expect. Search for more information about the child and her mother, both with the father and with other mutual friends that you have and that can offer a less partial view. Each case is different, so find out as much as possible about the specific situation before you head into it.

Take it easy. Whether you’re dating casual or wildly in love, avoid rushing things. Understand that the fact that you assume the status of couple can already be a disturbance in the child’s life. Avoid turning her world upside down because you want to be part of it too quickly.

Even if she is a negligent mother or if she sins in some way, her status as a mother will never change. Do not force yourself to respect her as a woman, but respect the fact that she will always have a role in the life of the child and the father.

Choose a time and place that are already part of the parent and child routine. Do not invent a new place, as if it were an encounter with the guy and the son in tow.

Your appearance should be quick and then you should go out alone, leaving the two alone so that your presence seems incidental. Avoid leaving your child with the impression that you are “stealing daddy” from him.

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